Sunday, May 22, 2011


After I had my lumpectomy, I felt like the cancer was gone.  I knew I would be starting chemotherapy as an extra precaution, but I felt great even with the fact that I had just had a baby.  Chemo really brought the reality of everything front and center and it was hard, however, when I went off chemo, I thought to myself, "One more... maybe I just need one more treatment".  There was a certain sense of security being on chemo - which sounds rediculous, but there was.  I thought that after I was done with all of my treatments and radiation, that I would feel free and happy.  Surprisingly, I was wrong.  This was a difficult time for me and I had a hard time allowing myself to feel joy.  I know that to somebody outside of this experience would think that it would be easy to be happy and enjoy every minute after going through such a trial.  For me, it was not.  It seemed like anytime there was a reason for me to be happy, I would not fully allow myself to feel that joy.  I felt like if I did, that I was being over confident in my health and that everything could be snatched away from me in a blink.  It has been a couple of months of feeling this way and it was starting to wear on me.  I was probably a little depressed and had to do a lot of self talk in order to get though the day.  I wanted to put it all in the past and move forward, but IT IS HARD!  Way harder than I thought it would be.   Until... I had an epiphany.  I was driving home one day and I saw a beautiful, vibrant, double rainbow right over the area where I live.  I was stopped at a stop light and had a moment to look at the magnificent colors.  My thoughts were turned towards a loving Heavenly Father and the blessings that He has given to me.  I thought about His love and all of the beautiful creations that were created for us to enjoy.  Just as the rainbow represents promises and the beauty that can come after a rain storm, so is life.  Life was not meant to be easy, yet if we remember those covenants that we have made and endure through the rain storms of life, we too will be showered upon by the love of Him who knows us best and we can find JOY.  That is the word that kept coming to my mind.  JOY!  I knew right then that all of the previous feelings that I had been having were from the advesary and not from my Heavenly Father.  I am so grateful for this insight that was given to me. It has improved my outlook dramatically and I can finally allow myself to feel JOY without guilt, worry or hesitation.  I KNOW that is how Heavenly Father would want me to feel.

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that
they might have joy"   2 Nephi 2:25

I have started singing a little song to myself that makes me happy and giggle.  It is the theme song for Joy School - which is a homeschool/preschool that I did with most of my children.  The words are:

I've Got Joy

Oh, boy, I’ve got joy, I do, I do
It starts in my heart  and spreads to my head
in a minute or two
And did you know it can grow on my toe
and keep my knees so they don’t freeze
I feel so neat from my head to my feet
When I’ve got Joy.

Oh boy, I’ve got joy, I do, do you?
It starts in my heart and spreads to my head
in a minute or two.
But the best place it shows is below my nose
For a mile or two
I’ve got a smile for you
I feel so neat from my head to my feet
When I’ve got joy!
I’ve got joy, I’ve got joy.
 “Oh boy!"

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your testimony. I needed that today.

    Also, I LOVE that song and I remember my mom singing it to me when I was little. DO you know what songbook it came from? I'm trying to get my hands on it. THANKS!! (