Shoot!

Came down with a cold... my last treatment will have to wait until next week :(
At least I won't be knocked out for Talmage's birthday and Thanksgiving :)

Eyelashes - A Lesson in Faith

When I first found out I was going to have to go through chemotherapy, I was surprisingly alright with the fact that I was going to lose my hair.  What I didn't realize, however, is that it was possible I was going to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows as well.  This made me really sad.   However, when I first met with my Oncologist she gave me the good news that because I only had to have four treatments, I would most likely NOT lose my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I was so relieved to hear that.  Well.... shortly after my third treatment I noticed that I had lost some eyelashes.  I felt so fragile and vulnerable.  I started to go without make-up for days at a time for fear that I would rub off my eyelashes when I washed my face.  I even woke up in a panic one morning thinking that my eyebrows had rubbed off during the night and I ran straight to the mirror to check if they were still there.  It was an awful way to feel and live.  After a few days of this, I realized that I was so focused on doing everything I could to not lose them, that I was forgetting that I HAD them and I should enjoy them!  So I picked up my mascara and put it on.  I felt so much better and a little more human again instead of some crazy thing constantly checking in the mirror.  I also realized that by not wearing make-up, I was living in a state of fear and fear just can not be present with faith.  I wanted to CHOOSE faith!  That's not to say that I won't still lose my eyelashes, but at least I am being grateful that I still have them now, and if they are lost, they will grow back ... along with my hair.  It is easy to be afraid... It takes courage, determination and hope to have faith.  I am trying to muster all the courage I can as I go through this.  Some days it is easier than others.  When all of this started, a sweet friend of mine gave me a ring that is engraved with the scripture Joshua 1:6 that says, "Be strong and of a good courage..."  I wore it until it totally wore out and made my finger green.  I still repeat it to myself many times, though.  I am grateful for the lessons that I am learning. It will be alright.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 
2 Timothy 1:7

Three Down And One To Go!

     I just got back from my third chemo treatment.  This was the smoothest one so far.  No reactions at all.  I guess my body is getting used to what they are pumping in me.  The GREATEST NEWS again.... NO NEULASTA SHOT - which means no shattered bone feeling!!!  My blood counts were all in a good range.  I am so thankful!  I guess washing my hands 1000 times a day is working. ;)  Thank you all so much for your prayers.  Again, I can't tell you how much they mean to me.  Last night Talmage gave me a priesthood blessing.  It brought me peace and comfort.  I know I am not alone.  For that I am truly grateful.

So this was my last treatment at this current treatment center.  I was sad to say good-bye to my awesome nurse.  She was so great.  I always felt cared for and like I was in very good hands.  Thanks so much "T" for getting the IV in the first time EVERY TIME :)    My  LAST treatment will be at a different center because of the Thanksgiving holiday.  Wow!  Do I ever have a lot to be thankful for.

Well, I feel the effects starting to kick in.  I will probably post again in about a week after I wake up from my chemo hibernation.  haha

My deepest love and gratitude to you all.
"Behold, I am the law, and the light.  Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life."  3 Nephi 15:9  Book of Mormon

Round Three

Tomorrow is my third treatment.  I am both looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.  At least I'll be one step closer! :)

Some Days Are Better Than Others

So, last week I had some really crappy (am I allowed to say that?) days!  I think Tuesday I spent most of the day crying for one reason or another. My eyes were swollen the next day.  I guess it didn't help that I had a major tooth ache and had spent Monday and Tuesday afternoon trying to get it resolved.  It was kind of an ordeal.  Anyway, I just had some really down days emotionally.  It seemed like I couldn't get past the baldness, or the puffyness, or my hijacked body, or the up-coming chemo treatment or the fact that I was even on chemo.  It just all hit me.  I really am not trying to complain.  I know it could be so much worse.   I just want to be honest with how I am feeling since this is not all roses and daffodils. 

It seems like when I am most down, something happens to bring me back to a sense of gratitude and awareness of a loving Heavenly Father.  I remember that this is just a small moment that will pass and that I am not alone in this journey.  So many people have lifted me in so many ways for which I am truly, truly, grateful.  On Tuesday, I received a beautiful poem in the mail from a beautiful person.  It was very timely.  I have read it many times since and have felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and peace.  It reads:

My life is but a weaving between my God and me. 

I do not see the colors; He worketh steadily. 

Oft times He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper and I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent and the shudders cease to fly

Will God unveil the canvas and reveal the reason why

The dark threads are as needful in the skillful weavers hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the patterns He has planned. 

I know that although these are hard or "dark" times for me, that there is a greater plan and that good will come from this experience IF I keep my faith in God.  He can turn the sorrow into joy.

I Mean.... NOW I'm Half Way Done!

It has been just over a week since my second treatment.  I realized that I had jumped the gun when I declared that I was half way done just by simply having my treatment.  That was the easy part.  To FULLY be half way done, I still had to get through the side effects that came with that treatment.  They came.  
Actually, Thursday and Friday weren't too bad.  I even went to Lagoon with my family and rode "Wicked".  (Truthfully, during the whole ride I kept thinking, "What the HECK was I thinking???")  Anyway, then starting Sunday, I got SOOOO TIRED!  It really wasn't until yesterday (a week later) that I started to get my energy back.  I didn't expect to be so tired for so long.  It pretty much wiped me out along with all of the other little side effects that go with it....  achey, upset stomach, burning tongue and esophogus, plus a few that just don't need mentioned.  UGH!   We continue to be cared for by loving neighbors, friends and family.  My beautiful Mother moved in for the week and took such good care of us.  It was such a comfort to know that the kids' schedule just moved forward like normal.  I think they need that.  Thanks, Mom for all of your help, love and support.  We couldn't have gotten through this week without you!

I just started reading the biography of Thomas S. Monson, "To the Rescue".  There is a quote in there that really stuck out to me.  It says, "I am daily impressed that the majority of the good people in the world do not receive any accolades or any publicity but live good lives within a small circle and one day will merit eternal reward."  So many have included our family in their "small circle".  I have been so touched by the generosity and love of so many and I pray that the Lord will bless each of you with his choicest blessings.

Half Way There :)

Yesterday, October 14, 2010, I had my second chemo treatment.  It went really well.  Again, I love my nurse.  She is SO competent and happy.  You can tell she loves her job which makes it so nice for her patience.  They started me with a big dose of Zophran - which made me totally loopy, but at least no headache this time.  Then the Cytoxin and Taxatol.  I started to have a slight reaction to the Taxatol: tight chest, flushed face... and then it stopped and so I was able to continue with my treatment without having to reverse anything.  I was really happy about that.  The best news came next.  I wouldn't need the Neulasta shot the following day because all of my blood counts were in a good normal range.  HOORAY!!!!!!  That was such a relief.  That shot makes you feel like you are constantly being electrocuted and like an 80 year old lady whose bones are about to shatter!  I am SO THANKFUL!  SO.... Two down and two to go.  We (I say "we" because this is affecting so many more people than just me) are going to make it! 
I received a lovely card today in the mail that reminded me this is but a "small moment".   It will pass.

My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.

                                                            Doctrine and Covenents 121:7