A Symbol of Hope

Last Saturday night we had a celebratory bon fire in our backyard.  It was wonderful!  We celebrated me not having to wear hats anymore - which really symbolizes SO MUCH!  It is something I have been looking forward to for a long time.   As we gathered around the fire, Lila had the idea that we could each put a stick into the fire and share something that we learned through this whole process.  It was so touching.  Everybody took a few minutes to think about all that has happened and then one by one shared something personal as they put their stick into the fire.  It was a very special moment for me and one that I will never forget.   Then it was my turn.  My "sticks" were three hats that I had worn - A Lot - while I was on chemotherapy and waiting for my hair to grow back.  The first hat was my pink night hat.  The second hat was a white, fuzzy hat that a friend had given me and my third hat was my black, fuzzy hat.  These are the hats that I most always wore - whether it was to bed, to church, the store, a friends house, at home, the temple ... these were the hats that made life easier for me at a very difficult time.  As I placed them into the fire, I shared with my family that I was NOT burning these hats out of anger, bitterness or revenge, but as a symbol of my hope for the future.  I was actually grateful for those hats while I had them.  They represent so much to me: humility, friendship, service, faith, gratitude, family, security, love, warmth.  I could go on.   Some days I have a tough time with what has happened and I have to talk to myself a lot to get through those moments.  I know I can't ever forget this experience - it is a part of who I am now - but I don't want to dwell on it.  I want to enjoy the present and look forward to the future.  That is what burning my hats meant to me.  Hope.
After I burned my hats, Talmage pulled out the sparkling cider that I was given when I had completed my chemotherapy treatments and finally, together, we toasted to each other and the future.  It was awesome!

And then of course we had to roast marshmallows! :)

Recipes for Life

After being diagnosed with breast cancer, I became keenly aware of what I was putting into my body.  At first I was afraid to eat anything.  This wasn't so great as I was 8 months pregnant, and my little girl needed some food!  I ate very little and it had to be nothing but a whole/super food.  (No sugar allowed!)   Well, I have relaxed a bit and do enjoy a goodie from time to time .... especially a piece of Dove's Dark Chocolate :)  But, my goal is to give my body all the nutrients it needs to be healthy.   So, I have kind of come up with a daily routine.  For breakfast, I most always have a big bowl of quinoa or oatmeal, an omelet or if I am in a big hurry, I will have a bowl of Cherrios with nonsweetened almond milk and a BIG (like have a little cherrios with your blueberries kind of big) handful of blueberries.  It is so yummy!   Thanks to my dear friend, I have also gotten hooked on "Green Shakes"  except for mine turn out purple because I add so many berries.  They are so delicious and you KNOW you are doing something great for your body!
For lunch, I most ALWAYS have a HUGE salad.  I can't believe how much I crave them now.  It fills me up all the way until dinner time.
For dinner, I am a little more flexible depending on what I make for my family, but I do only use whole grain pasta, bread, chips and tortillas now.  They have gotten so good.  I try to always have a salad in addition - even if it is just lettuce, cucumber and tomatoes.  I would say that my go-to ingredient would be BEANS.  Any kind of beans.  I love them and put them on everything.  They are so good for you, too.
I have felt a big difference in my body as I have become very selective about what I eat.  I know that I am giving it what it needs and that is a great feeling!  I love my body - every stitch of it!

Huevos Rancheros

Pinto beans, seasonings, poached egg, tomatoes, avacado and Cholula

Breakfast Shake

kale, cucumber, parsley, banana, triple berry mix

Quinoa

Cooked quinoa, unsweetened almond milk, fresh berries, chopped nuts

cinnamon and toasted shredded coconut.

Veggies about to be roasted

 Omelet

Kale, turkey, bell peppers, asparagus, cheese

tomatoes, green onions and Cholula

My FAVORITE Salad

Romaine, Arugula, black beans, tomatoes, avacado, bell peppers, parmesan cheese

Dressing:  Fresh Lemon, Extra Virgin Olive Oil and a LARGE clove of garlic, s&p.

"And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; and shall

find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

and shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint."

D&C 89: 18 - 20 (A revelation given to Joseph Smith on the Word of Wisdom - a health guide) 

My New Look and Some Wicked Fingernails

It's official.  I am DONE WITH HATS!  Sunday I went to church (at my home ward) without a hat on.  It was a great feeling.  Everybody was so kind and encouraging about my new look.  I really appreciated the genuine happiness and excitment for the point that I am at now.  It is really amazing when I look at pictures of myself when my hair was just first coming in (like just a shadow) and I can hardly imagine having such a little amount of hair - even though my hair is only an inch long now.  I am just so grateful and aware that these worries were taken from me while I was in the midst of it.  The Lord is so merciful.  There is no other explanation.

When I go to the store, I get a few interesting looks, but I am really alright with that.  I know that people have NO idea what I have been through and I have nothing to be ashamed of.   Actually, yesterday at the pediatricians office a nice man came up and told me that he really liked my hair.  A little strange, but I appreciated it.

I wouldn't really call myself a judgemental person, but now I really try not to judge people.  Everybody is special, everybody has a purpose, everybody has a story and everybody is a Child of God.

I wanted to add this picture of my fingernails.  Strange, huh?  This is how they looked a few weeks after my last chemotherapy treatment.  Each of the white stripes represents a treatment and the shock that it put on my body.  Thankfully, I never lost any.  The stripes are mostly out-grown now, thank goodness.  They are still a little bumpy, but they are close to looking normal.  

Life After Chemo

Last Wednesday Talmage and I headed up to the slopes while the kids were at school.  (Thanks mom for watching the other two little ones!)  It was a great day!  It had been about 10 years or so since I had last skied and to be able to do it now, with energy, was amazing!  It felt SO GOOD!  While we were making our way down the hill, Talmage took a phone call that was one of his sisters.  She wanted to ask me what tasted good to somebody on chemotherapy.  She was taking over a meal to one of her friends who was having treatments.  I gave her a few suggestions.
I thought about that girl much of the day and just thought I would share that there IS LIFE AFTER CHEMO!  AND IT IS GREAT!!!  You will grow ALL of your hair back. You will get your energy back. You will get your taste buds back.  You will get your life back AND... the cancer will be gone and it will have all been worth it!  Stay strong, you can do it!

p.s.  I have four more post in mind for this blog... and then I'm closing this chapter! :)
p.s.s  Isn't that a gorgeous view?!  That is on top of Snow Basin looking toward Antelope Island.  You can see forever!
p.s.s.s.  Yes, that is my black, fuzzy hat.  It is a multi-purpose hat.   ;)

Freedom

Today I went to church without my hat.  Okay, actually we went to a baby blessing, so we weren't at our home ward, but still I went without my hat.  Talmage had to keep talking me into it all the way up to the doors.  It was a big step.  I'm just ready to be done and move forward - even if that means I have hair that is an inch long, a color that I can't describe to my 11 year old and some gnarly cowlicks!  Good thing I'm not a boy.  Then, for added bravery, I went to choir without a hat.  What the heck, I'm just GOING FOR IT!

Getting the Mail

Today I went and got the mail.  No wig.  No hat.  Just this....

Yes, I took Emma with me.  She was my security blanket.  It felt good.  Baby steps.

DONE!

The whole last week leading up to my final radiation treatment, I was pretty emotional.  The end was so close.  The reality of the past few months hit me and I felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude.  Sometimes it would just hit me out of the blue and my eyes would well up.  It still happens.  A lot.  Today it hit me again while I was thinking about our family trip to Disney World a few years ago.  It was such a magical time and I was so grateful to be there with my little children and how much I look forward to being able to do that with Caleb and Emma.   I just have so much to be grateful for.  I will not take this second chance for granted.  I realize now more than ever what  precious gifts I have.  Life!  Family!  Love! God!  I have learned so much and as hard has it has been, I am truly grateful for this experience.  I have come to know myself in ways that I would have never known.  I have learned that I can do hard things.  I have discovered courage in the very moments that I needed it.  I have witnessed miracles and have benefitted from selfless acts of service by so many people.  I have felt the powers of heaven.  I have been surrounded by loved ones.  I have learned that faith is a decision.  I have learned that although surgery and chemotherapy took away nearly everything feminine from me for a time, I have never loved myself more or thought of myself more beautiful.  It's strange that I would think that, but that is how I feel.  The reality that I am a daughter of God carried me through those times.  It is a time that I will cherish.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father grew immeasurably.  I know He loves me and for that I am so thankful.  So, it is with a very humble and thankful heart that I write this post about my last treatment.

AFTER MY LAST TREATMENT!

It was really important to me to have my whole family with me at my last treatment.  We started this journey all together and I wanted to end it all together.  My treatment went as usual.  I changed into my gown,  said "hello" to my new friends, went back to the machine and got lined up, and listened to the familiar beeps that signal a treatment is occuring.  I closed my eyes.  When the beep stopped, I opened my eyes with tears of joy and relief.  I had finally finished.

It was a great feeling to walk through the (exit) door and be surrounded by those who I love the most.  They have been my rocks and my greatest motivation.

After the treatment, we went and got some breakfast and then did this....

Me!

Caleb (so brave)

Lila (really wanted to like it)

Collin - A natural and LOVED it!

Braden - Another natural and LOVED it!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 Talmage

 

This was seriously FUN!  We are all eager to go again.... and maybe, someday, out of a plane! We spent the whole day together as a family and it was wonderful! 

I am so deeply grateful for all of the support that I have had through this.  I couldn't have done this by myself.  I am especially thankful for the strength I was given by a loving Heavenly Father.  He knew how to help me when I didn't know how to help myself.  I am thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that through His selfless suffering He could understand my sorrow and pain.  I am truly grateful.


(Below is a letter I wrote for my sister who was giving a Relief Society lesson on "Tender Mercies" and asked if I would write something about what I was learning.  I have learned SO MUCH!)


As a relatively healthy, 37 year old woman expecting my fifth baby, imagine my shock to find out (from my husband - who is a radiologist) that I have a grade three breast cancer.   According to statistics, I should not be the one with breast cancer.  No family history, young age, multiple births and I nursed my babies.  This was completely unexpected!  In those tender moments of discovering this news and being comforted by my sweet husband,  the only words that came to my mind and that I could quietly utter were, "It's alright ... It will be alright”.  I kept repeating this over and over to myself and to my husband.  What at that moment seemed like my own subconscious trying to digest and come to terms with the information, soon became clearly recognizable as the Spirit speaking peace to my soul.  This provided a foundation of trust in the Lord that I was not going to be alone in this process.  That if I put ALL of my trust in Him, it truly would be alright.   The next few weeks were a whirlwind as we went to multiple doctor visits, had surgery - which threw me into early labor, had a beautiful , healthy baby girl (a month early) and then started chemotherapy just a couple of weeks after her birth.  It seemed like each day there was some new hurdle to get over.  I relied heavily on the Spirit moment to moment to help me get through these challenges that I was facing.  Through this process I came to understand more fully the love that Heavenly Father had for me, the reality of the gift of the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation.  I was more grateful for Temples and the promises of Eternal Families. I didn’t understand why this was all happening and truthfully I never questioned it, but what I did understand is that Heavenly Father loves me even more than I know and that He has a beautiful plan for me and for everybody  which involves doing hard things sometimes in order to grow in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t have.  Given my choice, I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t sign up for having cancer.  However, because of this experience I have witnessed miracles, I have grown spiritually, my family has become closer,  I have seen amazing love and generosity from caring friends and neighbors who have so lovingly served me and my family.  I have bonded with complete strangers because of similar circumstances.  I have felt the power of prayer, fasting and of priesthood blessings. It has been hard, but because of all these things, I wouldn’t take it back if I could!  I have been so richly blessed and I am grateful for these experiences and for the many, many tender mercies that I have received.

As I have pondered the scripture, Proverbs 3: 5-6  “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”   I have come to appreciate the eternal perspective and to be more grateful.   I know as humans it is natural to want to be in control and make our own path, but if that were so, how much we would miss out on!  It is my testimony that if we put our complete trust in the Lord, he WILL direct our paths.  We will become better people and He will provide ways for us to grow and to become more like Him.  That is the goal!  I am grateful for Free Agency.  For the ability to choose faith over fear and to choose to trust in the Lord and in the great Plan of Happiness.  I am grateful for the promptings of the Spirit that has carried me through this difficult time and for those first whisperings and stirrings in my heart that it WOULD be alright.  And it is.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.