Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Quick Up-Date
I shaved this week for the first time in months. Bitter sweet. I have to admit it has been kind of nice not to have to shave. HOWEVER, I will GLADLY take having to shave over being on chemotherapy ANY DAY! I'm so happy it's all coming back :) My hair is now probably 1cm long.... and dark! It will be interesting to see what it looks like in a couple of months.
I am half way done with radiation... only 3 more weeks! I can't wait! All in all I feel pretty good. A little tender where I get treated and I do get pretty tired by the end of the day, but I think a lot of that has to do with getting up with Emma a few times during the night. She is currently addicted to her binki and when it falls out, she cries. I'm trying to decide if I should wean her from it now or tough it out until she can put it back in by herself. She is one cute little girl.
I am half way done with radiation... only 3 more weeks! I can't wait! All in all I feel pretty good. A little tender where I get treated and I do get pretty tired by the end of the day, but I think a lot of that has to do with getting up with Emma a few times during the night. She is currently addicted to her binki and when it falls out, she cries. I'm trying to decide if I should wean her from it now or tough it out until she can put it back in by herself. She is one cute little girl.
Does she look like her daddy or what?? SO CUTE!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Zapper
I just finished my second week of radiation. My total treatment consists of going five days a week for 6 weeks. It makes for a very busy morning getting Emma to one neighbor, Caleb to another neighbor, the kids to school and then a race up to the hospital by 9:00am. Thankfully, I have the energy to do it and it feels so good to be the Mom again. My neighbors and friends have been so selfless in their service and help to our family. I am so grateful to be surrounded by such good people.
The first time I was treated was somewhat like an "I've been abducted by aliens/Star Wars" experience. This huge machine floats all around you until it finds its perfect location. Talmage was there for support and he was able to get the low down on all of the equipment and procedures. We feel really good about who is treating me and the techs are great, too. Once I am there it is only a matter of changing into that gorgeous robe, being adjusted on the machine (they do this by lining up lasers from the machine to the tattoos on my body), and getting radiated. Once a week I do get extra films taken to make sure I am still being treated in the exact locations and I also meet with the doctor for a quick exam once a week. Other than those couple of extra appointments, it only take about 5 minutes! It is a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy! Four more weeks...
The first time I was treated was somewhat like an "I've been abducted by aliens/Star Wars" experience. This huge machine floats all around you until it finds its perfect location. Talmage was there for support and he was able to get the low down on all of the equipment and procedures. We feel really good about who is treating me and the techs are great, too. Once I am there it is only a matter of changing into that gorgeous robe, being adjusted on the machine (they do this by lining up lasers from the machine to the tattoos on my body), and getting radiated. Once a week I do get extra films taken to make sure I am still being treated in the exact locations and I also meet with the doctor for a quick exam once a week. Other than those couple of extra appointments, it only take about 5 minutes! It is a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy! Four more weeks...
On a happy note, my hair is growing back! It is about 1/8" long :) I have also been having dreams of waking up with hair. It has been so great compared to having dreams of losing my hair. As soon as I have enough hair to cover my head, I am burning these hats!
When the male tech (in the picture above) was getting my chart ready, he took a portrait picture so they could make sure they were always treating the right person. When he looked at the picture he said, "I don't know what color your hair was before (I had my black hat on), but if you had long, blonde hair, you would look just like Taylor Swift" Needless to say, he's my favorite tech ;)
"Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all they doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever" Alma 37: 36 Book of Mormon
Sunday, January 2, 2011
PHEW!
Last Wednesday I had my MRI and biopsy on the second lump I found. Thankfully, Talmage had the day off and was able to go with me. First we went to the MRI. That was interesting. We will get the final results from that probably sometime this week when I meet with my Oncologist. After the MRI, we went to breakfast and then over to the biopsy. I was nervous this time around. Everything went smoothly and I am amazed at how almost painless the whole thing is. When they got the two specimens and put it in the jar of solution, they floated! That is a good thing. When I had my first biopsy, the specimens sank and I now know the doctor had a suspicion that it was cancer because of that. I had no idea of this at the time. Ewwww. I really dislike even thinking about that day. Anyway... they called with the results and it IS BENIGN! PHEW! I am so grateful. This had been weighing heavily on my mind for weeks and it feels so good to let it go. That morning I got such a sweet phone call from a dear lady who wished me well. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness. There are just so many good people!
Tomorrow I start my radiation treatments. I think I am actually looking forward to it so that I can just get it over with and move on! Just praying hard that they are very skillful and exact in their treatment so I don't get zapped where I shouldn't be. I know it will be alright. I feel so happy right now.
"Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11
Tomorrow I start my radiation treatments. I think I am actually looking forward to it so that I can just get it over with and move on! Just praying hard that they are very skillful and exact in their treatment so I don't get zapped where I shouldn't be. I know it will be alright. I feel so happy right now.
"Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Radiation Consult Part Two
I had my follow-up consult with the radiation department last week. I got measured, tattooed and situated just right on the zapper. The purpose of the tattooes are so they can line me up perfectly when they do the radiation so they don't radiate any part of my body that shouldn't be... like my heart or lungs. Hmmmm. I start the actual treatments on January 3rd and go five days a week for six weeks. I should be done right before Valentines Day!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Phase Three
I've made it through surgery, (having a baby), and chemotherapy. Now for the last phase of this... Radiation.
I met with the Radiation Oncologist last Friday. It went well. It was just a short consult to talk about the pros and cons of radiation. I haven't loved the idea of having so much... 5 days a week for 6 weeks! However, after hearing the statistics, I feel it is a must. With the type of cancer that I HAD (triple negative), without radiation therapy there is a 30% chance of local recurrence. With radiation therapy that slides way down to only 3%. It is something that I must do. Luckily, the side effects are minimal (fatigue) and localized to the treatment site (redness and slight swelling). This means my hair will keep growing back :)! I have a little peach fuzz. Boy, I thought it was exciting to watch grass grow from seed, but watching my hair grow back is much more exciting! A good friend of mine gave me some hair products that I use religiously in hopes that my hair will grow back thick and maybe sooner than later. I'm hoping by spring to have a little pixey hair style. That is an exciting prospect. The hair loss hasn't been that hard for me, but now it seems like a constant reminder of what has happened. Although I am learning so much through this process and I will never be the same person that I was (in a good way), I am ready to have this be a thing of the past.
From my reading this morning:
"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." Mosiah 24:13-14 Book of Mormon
I met with the Radiation Oncologist last Friday. It went well. It was just a short consult to talk about the pros and cons of radiation. I haven't loved the idea of having so much... 5 days a week for 6 weeks! However, after hearing the statistics, I feel it is a must. With the type of cancer that I HAD (triple negative), without radiation therapy there is a 30% chance of local recurrence. With radiation therapy that slides way down to only 3%. It is something that I must do. Luckily, the side effects are minimal (fatigue) and localized to the treatment site (redness and slight swelling). This means my hair will keep growing back :)! I have a little peach fuzz. Boy, I thought it was exciting to watch grass grow from seed, but watching my hair grow back is much more exciting! A good friend of mine gave me some hair products that I use religiously in hopes that my hair will grow back thick and maybe sooner than later. I'm hoping by spring to have a little pixey hair style. That is an exciting prospect. The hair loss hasn't been that hard for me, but now it seems like a constant reminder of what has happened. Although I am learning so much through this process and I will never be the same person that I was (in a good way), I am ready to have this be a thing of the past.
From my reading this morning:
"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." Mosiah 24:13-14 Book of Mormon
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Be Still and Know That I Am God
I think I am ready to post again. I haven't been able to bring myself to. It's been a hard few weeks. This will explain why.
After I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was quick to do a thorough self breast exam. To my relief, I couldn't feel anything other than what had already been found. Nothing. Well, a few weeks ago, for some reason, I was doing a self exam over an undershirt. To my surprise, I felt something. My heart sank. This was on the opposite side nearly in the same location as where the cancer had been. I had Talmage feel it. He could. The interesting thing though, is that I still couldn't feel it on my bare skin. I had to be sliding over a shirt in order to feel it. This was about a week before my last treatment. I had been looking so forward to being done with the treatments and now with this bump looming in the back of my mind I felt nothing but more worry and couldn't be excited for my last treatment. I wanted so much to celebrate and be happy and excited and to run to my children and say, "I'm Done! We did it!". I tried, I mean really tried to not let it get the better of me, but it was hard. I was pretty down that week before my treatment. Almost like I couldn't accept that it was going to be my last, but that I may need to have more. All of the "what if's" were starting to surface. Well, I went to my appointment for treatment and had my Oncologist feel it. She could, but really wasn't too concerned about it. That didn't necessarily comfort me because we all weren't "too concerned" about what ended up to be a grade 3 cancer. I went through the treatment and tried my hardest to accept that it was my last. There was no celebration after. No running to the kids and saying, "I'm done." I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Another week went by.
After dealing with the side effects of the treatment, Talmage and I had an opportunity to get out and go to a church function. I had been looking forward to this for days. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to spend time with Talmage and just enjoy an evening together. The program consisted of a singing group. They sang songs and in-between songs, would share a personal story. One of the ladies started sharing hers. It was about her sister who had been ill. Suddenly, I was afraid again. I had a strong feeling that she was going to say that her sister had breast cancer. She did. When she uttered those words, my heart sank and I think my body temperature rose to be 105 degrees. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up in fetal position. Instead, I sat there and listened. What else could I do? I think it was just as hard for Talmage. Truthfully, the story was a beautiful story full of miracles. However, she still died. After the program, there was some small talk with friends, who I'm sure were concerned about how I was feeling, and then we went home. After making sure the kids were in bed, I sat down to the computer to check e-mail etc. I pulled up my facebook account and one of the first things I read was about Elizabeth Edwards passing. I just couldn't take it. I immediately turned it off and went to bed. What very little sleep I got that night, was full of dreams of dieing. To say I was consumed by it would be an understatement. It's like I couldn't get away from it... not even in my sleep. Again, all of the "what if's" were surfacing and I was afraid. The next day was a teary day. While going through this whole process, the scriptures have been a great source of strength to me. Today was different. I was too afraid to open them up. This is when I knew I was in real trouble with my emotions and with fear. To my relief, my mom called. She could tell something was bothering me and I let it all out. It felt so good. Even now, as I type this, I can't hold back the tears. I have said this before, but it seems like when I am the most down or feel the most alone, tender mercies are given to me. At that moment, it was my mom - who has been a rock for me through all of this. She is so calm and reassuring and faithful. I love her. That evening when I went to bed, I could actually feel the inside of my body trembling. I could feel and hear my mind going a hundred miles per hour. Then in the quiet of the night as I tried to calm myself down, a scripture came strongly into my mind: "BE STILL and know that I am God". I have read that scripture before and thought about it many times, but this time it came with force as if a father were taking me by the shoulders sternly, but lovingly and saying, "Calm down, it will be alright". I closed my eyes and finally got some much needed, peaceful sleep.
As I go throughout my days and nights, I will often repeat to myself positive affirmations. This has helped me to try and block out any negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. That probably sounds hokey, but for me, it really helps. One of them that I repeat to myself over and over is,"I am a cancer-free, strong, healthy, happy, daughter of God." I believe that and it gives me courage and strength.
Well, this last Friday, I went in for my first mammogram. I told the tech that I had felt a lump and asked if she could really be sure to get good pictures in that area. She was great and then led me to a room to have an ultra sound of the lump. I was so grateful to be taking some action. I thought either way, knowing is better than wondering. The ultra sound tech checked for the lump and sure enough it showed up on the screen. Another heart sinking feeling. She went to get the Dr. to come and read it. It happened to be the same doctor who presented my case to the tumor board and was very familiar with me and my case - even though I had never actually met him. After looking at it carefully for a few minutes, he very confidently decided it was a benign adenoma. However, because of my history we are going to do a biopsy on it on December 29th - right after I have an MRI. After he and Talmage looked at the image and both agreed that I shouldn't worry, I felt an enormous amount of relief. I finally felt like I really had had my last chemotherapy treatment and that good things are to come.
I am so grateful for the tender mercies that I have received this past week as I went through this very dark time in my life. I have witnessed over and over again the love and understanding of a loving Heavenly Father. I have seen it in timely phone calls from loved ones, beautiful and thoughtful messages sent to me through e-mail or facebook, thoughtful gifts in the mail and most recently, a visit from faithful and inspired Home Teachers who came and offered such a beautiful prayer on our home, on me, on Talmage and on each of our children. It was just what I needed and my heart was truly touched.
After I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was quick to do a thorough self breast exam. To my relief, I couldn't feel anything other than what had already been found. Nothing. Well, a few weeks ago, for some reason, I was doing a self exam over an undershirt. To my surprise, I felt something. My heart sank. This was on the opposite side nearly in the same location as where the cancer had been. I had Talmage feel it. He could. The interesting thing though, is that I still couldn't feel it on my bare skin. I had to be sliding over a shirt in order to feel it. This was about a week before my last treatment. I had been looking so forward to being done with the treatments and now with this bump looming in the back of my mind I felt nothing but more worry and couldn't be excited for my last treatment. I wanted so much to celebrate and be happy and excited and to run to my children and say, "I'm Done! We did it!". I tried, I mean really tried to not let it get the better of me, but it was hard. I was pretty down that week before my treatment. Almost like I couldn't accept that it was going to be my last, but that I may need to have more. All of the "what if's" were starting to surface. Well, I went to my appointment for treatment and had my Oncologist feel it. She could, but really wasn't too concerned about it. That didn't necessarily comfort me because we all weren't "too concerned" about what ended up to be a grade 3 cancer. I went through the treatment and tried my hardest to accept that it was my last. There was no celebration after. No running to the kids and saying, "I'm done." I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Another week went by.
After dealing with the side effects of the treatment, Talmage and I had an opportunity to get out and go to a church function. I had been looking forward to this for days. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to spend time with Talmage and just enjoy an evening together. The program consisted of a singing group. They sang songs and in-between songs, would share a personal story. One of the ladies started sharing hers. It was about her sister who had been ill. Suddenly, I was afraid again. I had a strong feeling that she was going to say that her sister had breast cancer. She did. When she uttered those words, my heart sank and I think my body temperature rose to be 105 degrees. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up in fetal position. Instead, I sat there and listened. What else could I do? I think it was just as hard for Talmage. Truthfully, the story was a beautiful story full of miracles. However, she still died. After the program, there was some small talk with friends, who I'm sure were concerned about how I was feeling, and then we went home. After making sure the kids were in bed, I sat down to the computer to check e-mail etc. I pulled up my facebook account and one of the first things I read was about Elizabeth Edwards passing. I just couldn't take it. I immediately turned it off and went to bed. What very little sleep I got that night, was full of dreams of dieing. To say I was consumed by it would be an understatement. It's like I couldn't get away from it... not even in my sleep. Again, all of the "what if's" were surfacing and I was afraid. The next day was a teary day. While going through this whole process, the scriptures have been a great source of strength to me. Today was different. I was too afraid to open them up. This is when I knew I was in real trouble with my emotions and with fear. To my relief, my mom called. She could tell something was bothering me and I let it all out. It felt so good. Even now, as I type this, I can't hold back the tears. I have said this before, but it seems like when I am the most down or feel the most alone, tender mercies are given to me. At that moment, it was my mom - who has been a rock for me through all of this. She is so calm and reassuring and faithful. I love her. That evening when I went to bed, I could actually feel the inside of my body trembling. I could feel and hear my mind going a hundred miles per hour. Then in the quiet of the night as I tried to calm myself down, a scripture came strongly into my mind: "BE STILL and know that I am God". I have read that scripture before and thought about it many times, but this time it came with force as if a father were taking me by the shoulders sternly, but lovingly and saying, "Calm down, it will be alright". I closed my eyes and finally got some much needed, peaceful sleep.
As I go throughout my days and nights, I will often repeat to myself positive affirmations. This has helped me to try and block out any negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. That probably sounds hokey, but for me, it really helps. One of them that I repeat to myself over and over is,"I am a cancer-free, strong, healthy, happy, daughter of God." I believe that and it gives me courage and strength.
Well, this last Friday, I went in for my first mammogram. I told the tech that I had felt a lump and asked if she could really be sure to get good pictures in that area. She was great and then led me to a room to have an ultra sound of the lump. I was so grateful to be taking some action. I thought either way, knowing is better than wondering. The ultra sound tech checked for the lump and sure enough it showed up on the screen. Another heart sinking feeling. She went to get the Dr. to come and read it. It happened to be the same doctor who presented my case to the tumor board and was very familiar with me and my case - even though I had never actually met him. After looking at it carefully for a few minutes, he very confidently decided it was a benign adenoma. However, because of my history we are going to do a biopsy on it on December 29th - right after I have an MRI. After he and Talmage looked at the image and both agreed that I shouldn't worry, I felt an enormous amount of relief. I finally felt like I really had had my last chemotherapy treatment and that good things are to come.
I am so grateful for the tender mercies that I have received this past week as I went through this very dark time in my life. I have witnessed over and over again the love and understanding of a loving Heavenly Father. I have seen it in timely phone calls from loved ones, beautiful and thoughtful messages sent to me through e-mail or facebook, thoughtful gifts in the mail and most recently, a visit from faithful and inspired Home Teachers who came and offered such a beautiful prayer on our home, on me, on Talmage and on each of our children. It was just what I needed and my heart was truly touched.
"Be still and know that I am God"
Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
MY LAST TREATMENT!
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